How I Lost My Brother Before I Even Met Him.

There are so many feelings when You lose a child or loved one.

It is your pain and loss, the pain of your family, the dreams that will never come true…
The fear, despair, sadness and finally acceptance mixed with the silent questions “What if?” “How would have been if?”

Deep in your soul You know that a piece of your heart was taken away and will never return.

This is My personal story.

I did not lose my child, but I lost my brother.

There are courageous mothers who share their own child loss story like Kelly And I want to reach out to all of them and hug them, to tell them Never give up on trying again. Do It when You feel ready but if You can, don’t give up on having another child. I don’t know how you feel. Every experience and every person is unique. But i know what loss is. And i’m sorry, even if my sorry will not bring your child back, my heart hurts for You.

I’ve never read the journey of other family members that were part of the story of losing a child.

Because I believe that these kinds of experiences should be shared, here is mine.

To the brother I never met, I miss and love You.

This is for all the ones who got the chance of being big sisters or brothers but it never happened.

My mother lost the pregnancy at 5 months if I remember right.

I wanted so much a brother to love, to spend time with, to… just have him here with me.

When They told me that I would be a sister I was thrilled.

I made plans, I felt like flying.

Every night, I spoke to him with my hand on my mother’s belly.

I told him that I will love him, play with him, treasure him, I would be his sister and best friend.

I argued for the name I wanted him to have with father, I treated my mother like she was a fragile doll.

I was ready. All our family members were happy and excited for my parents and me. My blindness wouldn’t stop me from being the best sister possible.

We had the bed, stroller, we were excited to welcome him.

Nothing could have prepared us for a loss. She was supposed to be all right.

 a light colored teddy bear in an empty white crib with white bedding with a blue wall behind it.

I don’t even remember the month.
One day, I went to check how mother felt. They returned from the hospital and I wanted to know if my baby brother was all right.

I didn’t even expect to get bad news. I was so convinced that He was a part of our family already and all I needed to do was to wait to hold him.

I went in their room. I was very excited. I expected good news, laughter, I was ready to greet my brother and talk to him like usual.
But My aunt and mother were there. They were on the bed and the silence was deafening. I remember very clearly… I was sitting on Her left when I asked how He was.

That was the day when all my dreams of having another family member shattered in trillions of pieces.

She tried to explain gently. They lost Him, and He wouldn’t ever return.
I didn’t want to believe. I cried. I touched Her stomach but He wasn’t there.

I was too shocked. It hurt. I was still a child, a child who lost a brother. I was Numb.

The bed wouldn’t ever be used, the toys wouldn’t be ripped, hugged, kissed, the nursery was going to be empty forever.

For years I tried to convince myself that the hospital made a mistake. That, somehow, They mixed the babies and my brother was safe and sound. I wanted to believe that someone saved him. I was so convinced. He was living with other people and someday we were going to meet.

Sadly, the truth is that He was far, far away in an untouchable place where I could never say hello and I love you anymore.

I never knew you but I mourn.

Little brother, I love you so much. You were gone too soon, and your loss hits me even now, years after You left.
You are a star, a shining light.

I wish You know how much your memory means to me. I hope that no matter where You are You’re watching over all of us. I want You to smile and to be the bright light there in the sky that you would have been to our family here on Earth.

After this loss, She never tried to have another child. I was born at 6 months and my brother was lost. She was too scared to try again.
At some point, it started to sink in my mind. I was going to be the only child in the family, so I made a promise to myself.

I was going to have at least two children. It hurt me to be an only child and I didn’t want my son or daughter to grow up alone.

If You lost your child, sister, brother, nephew, niece… I know You understand.
I know that You wonder how would have been if You could have spent your life with him.
I wonder this every week. Sometimes I feel so alone when I see sisters or brothers or when I am the only one in the house.
Still… I am glad that others have the chance to have someone to talk to, to share secrets, to argue and to support.

Here is something I want to let You know.
They will never be Just a loss. They are pieces of our soul. They are not a failed pregnancy. They are our sisters, brothers, children. They deserve to be remembered.

What hurts? It hits us hard. We don’t get the chance to say goodbye, and We wish We could have at least a warning… Or one more day.

I will not hide this from You, I cried while writing this.
A lot. But I am glad that I shared this story.

10 quotes about loss

Here are 10 quotes That helped me to find the energy to write this post and go on when I lost other loved ones.
The quotes will hopefully hold You up when all you want is to fall.

You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.

Anne Lamott.

If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?

Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper.

I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone. You just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.

Alyson Noel, Evermore.

My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That’s just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don’t get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.

Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere.

It sucks that we miss people like that. You think you’ve accepted that someone is out of your life, that you’ve grieved and it’s over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you’ve lost that person all over again.

Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass.

Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here’s what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it’s still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it’s been too long since you missed them last.

Kristin O’Donnell Tubb, The 13th Sign.

Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

Vicki Harrison.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Unknown.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

We are all the pieces of what we remember. We hold in ourselves the hopes and fears of those who love us. As long as there is love and memory, there is no true loss.

Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire.

A few resources

If my post did not help, That’s okay, and I’m sorry. All of us deal with grief in different ways. What works for me maybe doesn’t work for you, and maybe your way doesn’t work for me.
That’s what makes us beautiful. Our unique mind, pain, heart, life and vision.

So, if our site didn’t help or if you want to read more about grief or other struggles some people face, maybe you want to visit this site
or this one.

Or if You want to make a change and help the planet in memory of the one you lost, you can pay $17 for a tree to be planted. You can find out more
here.
It doesn’t mention if it’s worldwide, sorry.

A silver birch in a forest.

If You want to keep the tree close and You don’t want it planted far away, There are sites where you can buy a tree and plant it in a pot. If you move in another house, You can take it with You.

Here is a list of tree symbols and meanings.

I want to hear what You have to say. What helped? What didn’t? Feel free to share your opinion, Can’t wait to read it! ! If you want to know more about us, click here
Thank you for reading!

6 thoughts on “How I Lost My Brother Before I Even Met Him.

    • Your comment made my day. I’m so happy to know that someone enjoys this place! <3 Thank you so much for commenting, it means a lot to us. I hope that you will enjoy what we will post from now on too. Have a great day!

  1. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. I think it takes a lot of courage to talk to other people about it. I love one of my brothers when I was younger and it’s not something that anyone in the family ever talks about. Thank you!

    • It’s hard to think at them i guess. Here they don’t talk about him too, but… He’s worth remembering. Thank you for commenting.

  2. This hit home. I was pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl. My daughter was born healthy but my son we lost a few months before a gave birth. I mourn still everyday after 10 years. My daughter mourns also and puts an extra candle for him on her birthday cake every year. From a sisters point of view this was perfect and really eye opening. Thank you.

    • Thank you for sharing, and i’m sorry for opening the box of memories… but i feel like this shouldn’t be kept hidden like a shameful secret… Sending you and your daughter hugs, I know how she feels. Thanks for commenting.

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